Usually I'm happy, I promise. I'm a happy person. It's funny, but when I get below a certain level mood-wise, I log on here to gush out everything I can't say to anyone around me. 

Secrets. I'm keeping secrets for the first time in my life. Not the "don't tell anyone" secrets I hear from others, but my own secrets. I've always been an open book, but now... I'm mysterious. No one really knows what goes on with me. I'm not sure I like it. But then, I'm not sure sometimes that I like being me. Maybe that's what it is. I don't like who I am when I'm sad, so I don't like sharing that person anymore.  

Maybe it's rooted in my childhood. Anyone remember that song, "Be Optimistic," that Shirley Temple sang in that one movie?

"Be optimistic, don't you be a grumpy,
When the road gets bumpy, just smile!
Your troubles can't be as bad as all that,
when you're sad as all that,
no one loves you"

I know she was trying to cheer the other girls up, but that always got me. When I'm sad is when I need people to love me most. 

Anyway, back to my rant.

I woke up today, put on makeup and an adorable dress, cute shoes, and got a haircut (it's a new style, and it looks really great). There's this one guy friend I've hung out with for at least 3 days a week for the past while, just him and me mostly, or he'll join my family for dinner or video games or whatnot. He even house-sat for my family (and took care of my cat) while we were on vacation. His dog loves me best of any person in the world, and he even calls me "Mommy" in front of the dog (like "no, not Daddy, go bring the toy to Mommy!"). We text back in forth almost constantly, usually with him initiating the conversations. 

If this were any other guy, I would assume he would shortly ask me out. But, no. Despite observations from everyone around me that they believe he likes me, he hasn't made a move. He thinks of me as just a friend. 

I'll admit here what I haven't to anyone in the world: I have a crush on him. Obvious, no? You'd think. To anyone close to me that directly asks, I say in a nonchalant tone "Well, I wouldn't turn him down if he asked, but I don't have my heart set on it or anything." They're all satisfied with that answer. Stupid people. It helps my lie, though, that I pride myself on not chasing men. I don't ask guys out, I simply flirt with them until they're confident enough to ask me out. If they don't flirt back, I back off and remain friends. I despise above all things girls who shamelessly throw themselves at men who aren't interested in them. 

Here's what killed the good mood I had this morning. My little sister's friends were over today. One of them, a girl I've known since she was little, has expressed interest in my friend. They've met once or twice in the course of me hanging out with him and her hanging out with my sister. She can't stop giggling when she's around him, like a preteen girl. I teased my friend about her giggling once before, and he shrugged it off. Today the girl made a comment about flirting with all my guy friends. I texted him a part of the conversation, thinking it was funny. Here's the text conversation that followed: 

Him: Really? All your guy friends, not just me? :(   that was sarcasm, in case you didn't get it.
Me: Yeah, I have a pretty good sarcasm meter.
Him: Good. Anyway, she seems ok to me. Would it be that bad?
Me: Would what be that bad?
Him: Her/me liking each other

At this point you can probably sense the mental panic going on in my head. I thought about it quickly and replied

Me: Maybe it's because I've known her since she was little and only known you since you were grown. Do you like her?
Him: If I was into the summer fling thing, maybe

That crushed me. Seriously, on multiple levels. Not just the-guy-I-like-is-into-someone-else level, it was mostly the guy-i-like-prefers-MY-LITTLE-SISTER'S-FRIEND-TO-ME level. The ditzy, clueless, giggly, albeit mostly sweet little girl that grew up alongside my baby sister. I don't care how old you get, the age difference between you and a younger sibling is always going to seem insurmountable for your friends to inter-date. It doesn't help that my birthday is coming up, so I feel old. I'll be older than my big sister was when she got married. I now feel like the shriveled old maid that nobody wants anymore.

The worst part? I have to put on my best little actress face for him and pretend I'm not really affected. I can't suddenly ignore him like I want to do, I can't shut him out in my indignation and wounded pride. 

You might be wondering what I replied to his message. I simply (and quickly) sent back "interesting" figuring that was vague and bland enough that he might ignore it. He didn't. "What's interesting?" he asked. I messed around a bit, saying things like "Life is interesting" while my mind scrambled to think up an explanation he would view as adequate. I gave him a half-truth: "It's interesting that I've reached the age where the age gap between my friends and my sister's friends is no longer some insurmountable gap. I'm old :(" 
After briefly teasing me about being old, he said "you should have just told me that." 
"Told you what?" I asked.
"The interesting reason" He replied.
"Why?" I asked, now on the hunt for my own answers.
"Nvm" He said, but I didn't let it go.
"Nope, now I'm curious" I said.
"About what?" He said.
"You said I should have just told you, implying possibility of misunderstanding. I'm curious as to what conclusions you came to."

He called me in response. He never answered my question, complaining that he was too tired to understand, then something came up and he had to go. When he called me back, I was at dinner with my family, so I couldn't talk. Frustrating. 

I feel hurt. My pride and vanity in particular are wounded. And of course, the best way to nurse wounded pride is to pretend like it was never hurt in the first place.

But seriously, what is it? Every other guy in our circle of friends (and several of the girls as well) calls me beautiful, occasionally issues teasing proposals of marriage, and generally declares me to be "the ideal woman." What the crap is wrong with me?? Not that I believe those things for a second, but every girl out there wonders upon an event like this, Am I not smart enough? Not pretty enough? Not fun, not clever, not sweet, not graceful, not funny enough? Too nerdy, too fat, too skinny, too indecisive, too opinionated, too pushy, too unassuming, too loud, too quiet? WHAT? What is wrong with me??

I know the general answer very sweet friends give is, "Nothing is wrong with you, something's wrong with him that he can't see how great you are." And I have very sincerely made that statement to friends on multiple occasions. However, no one ever believes it unless the guy is a total jerk. If you're crushing on a fairly nice guy who's a good friend, there's no way you're vain enough to believe that statement. I'm certainly not. I'm going to go bake something, because that's how I deal with stress.